


Shattered

by ShrimpMinsume



Category: Angst - Fandom, Jung Taekwoon - Fandom, VIXX, cha hakeyon, character death??? kinda??, drug abuse - Fandom, everyone is sad and angsty, i should probably stop - Fandom, literally how do you tag - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:39:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShrimpMinsume/pseuds/ShrimpMinsume
Summary: Hakyeon is Shattered.Taekwoon is Broken.





	Shattered

N's thin bony fingers played with the porcelain crack pipe, twisting it and twirling it around until he inevitably dropped it. The pipe shattered and N sighed, moving to pick it up. One of the shards cut into his finger and he pulled back in surprise and stared at his finger as if he’d never seen blood. He smiled and stared at his hands and arms and his bare legs and wondered how he had gotten so pale. His skin was now a pasty white, like a sick doll, and it was odd to him, making his drugged mind wander places. One thing led to another; ‘I used to be tan once. I used to be healthy once. I used to be happy once.’

These are all fleeting memories now, memories he may or may not want to forget. N gave up Hakyeon, the happy dancer who had more passion than most, the boy whose grin was always on his face, the boy who once would never let himself deteriorate into N, his present self, the gaunt and boney boy who could barely run let alone dance.

He quickly formed an even line, as even as his shaking hands could, with the white drug on his table. He plugged one nostril and snorted, wiggling his nose as the familiar burn set in. N grinned and put away the drugs before taking out a pack of cigarettes. From one substance to another, one drug to the next, N’s lungs and mind were never clear. He would do anything to make sure that he was too fucked over to remember.

He finished his cigarette and tossed it haphazardly onto to the floor. He didn’t bother to check if it was distinguished. That’s another thing about N, he welcomed death. He believed that if his house caught on fire and he burned to death than that’s what is supposed to happen. N, although eager to give up his shit lifestyle, was too cowardly to even think about ending his existence.

He grabbed the small foldable calendar from on his desk, his eyes trying to focus on the red circled date.

He sighed and stumbled into his room and tossed on whatever clothes he could find. His shirt draped over his shoulders too many sizes too big and his jeans hung loosely on his skinny hips. He has spent all his money on drugs and could hardly afford to keep a roof over his head, let alone feed himself. Not that he was hungry, he wasn’t. N was never hungry. He was never anything, just a drugged up shell of what used to be.

He stepped out of his house to find a familiar man leaning against the building. The man looked up with his wide eyes and his face fell. “Hakyeon…”

“T-Taekwoon…” N stuttered, taking a step back in fear that he would suddenly disappear.

“You’ve changed.” Taekwoon pointed out. “A lot.”

N gave him a weary once over and walked down the cracked driveway, his mind not really processing what had just happened; that Taekwoon was back. In a way, N didn’t want to. Because if he did, Hakeyon would return, his past self would return, and he’d be vulnerable to heartbreak and misery once again. So he settled on walking away from the man who had once made him the happiest person on earth. He continued walking down his rugged pathway, not once glancing back at the man who had taught him how to love.

“Hakyeon, please don’t walk away from me.” Taekwoon’s voice floated to N’s ears. “I want to talk.”

N needed to escape. His long thin legs walked as fast as they could down the block, praying that Taekwoon wouldn’t be following him. He was, though, and N suddenly remembered that he no longer believed in god so of course, no one would answer his prayers.

Taekwoon’s hand latched onto the elders wrist and pulled him somewhere. N didn’t bother to resist since he weighed the same as a prepubescent boy and any struggle he put up would be useless. He was pushed onto a park bench.

N’s glassy eyes lifted to meet the almond shaped ones across from him. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry.” Taekwoon grabbed N’s frail hand. “I never meant to cause you pain. Leaving… it was for the best. I- I couldn’t stop it. And now, seeing you like this, I regret it.”

N didn’t speak. His brain worked slowly, a result of years of murdering his brain cells, and he simply blinked back at the man. He contemplated whether he should storm out but then quickly decided against it because it wouldn’t be a very dramatic exit if he ran face first into a glass door. Along with the weight, N lost the grace and elegance he once had and simply walking without stumbling was hard enough. He opened his mouth expecting himself to spew profanities, a drug-induced angry banter, something negative but all the stumbled out was a poor and pathetic “I missed you so much” that was pretty much drowned out because of the lump in his throat.

Taekwoon’s eyes watered and tears fell as he got up to wrap his arms around the skinny boy. He wanted to hold him tighter, to squeeze him to know that he was alright but he was afraid that N would break. “I missed you too.”

N did break. He began to cry; hoping he would wake up from what he believed was a hallucination so that he wouldn’t have to wake up later feeling emptier. But Taekwoon’s arms were still wrapped around him, warm and stable and as real as ever. This scared him.

“Why did you come back? You said it yourself; you don’t love me anymore. Why are you here? Why? I- I can’t, I- no.” N sputtered, feeling his heart pick up speed. His hands began to tremble and he breathed in short shallow breaths. One thing stayed with him even through his transformation from Hakyeon to N; his anxiety attacks. If anything, they had gotten worse with no one to soothe him and remind him it was okay.

He let out a whimper and curled up in a ball, away from the arms of his former lover. He didn’t care that people were staring and whispering or that he looked insane, he couldn’t care because he couldn’t breathe. He frantically tried to remember what his therapist had once told him to do when under attack, but his drug-filled(and now oxygen deprived) mind couldn’t even remember the last time he went to a therapist let alone what she had told him.

Taekwoon’s almond-shaped eyes drooped in pain as he realized that he had done this to him. He pulled N, who was too deep into the panic to resist, into his arms once again and rubbed his back, whispering comforting words and reminding him that it was going to be okay because he was there now and he was going to make it better and that he had never stopped loving him. N’s breathing slowly returned to normal and he distanced himself from Taekwoon once again, feeling the shame he always felt after an episode.

His cheeks and eyes were still damp as he fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter. He ignored Taekwoon’s disapproving stare and brought the drug to his lips, closing his eyes as he finally fully calmed down. He mentally cursed himself for being so pathetic and blamed the drugs for causing him to be so emotional. “Why are you here?”

“I came back to visit.” Taekwoon said softly. “But I think I’m going to stay.”

“No.” N shook his head. “I don’t want you here.”

“I still love you.” Taekwoon said after a brief pause. “I never stopped loving you, Hakyeon. Leaving you was for the best, you have to understand that that’s what I honestly thought.”

“Right.” N muttered, finishing his cigarette and pulling out another. “Because I turned out great, haven’t I?”

It wasn’t a secret to N that his life was going down the drain. Unlike most drug addicts, he didn’t deny that he had an addiction; N knew he was fucked. He knew he needed help but he didn’t bother to get any.

“Your parents insisted that you would be better off if I left, that you would take over their business and you’d be so much happier—“

“And you were an idiot for believing such homophobic and controlling bastards!” N spat angrily. “Even after you left, did you honestly think that my sexual orientation would change and that they would magically accept me back in their lives?”

“I…” Taekwoon was lost for words. “I’m back now.”

N let out a mocking laugh, his pale lips curling up in a sick sadistic smirk. “For what, kiddo? To get a good fuck and leave like you did last time?”

Taekwoon’s eyes widened even more and if it wasn’t for the anger flashing through them it would have looked comical. “How could you say that? I didn’t fuck you and leave; you make it sound like I forced you into having sex with me. We made love—“

“That doesn’t change the fact that I woke up to an empty bed.” N spoke harshly. “That doesn’t change the fact that you left and I was stuck thinking you hated me, that I was just another faggot you converted with your damned almond eyes. It doesn’t change the fact that I woke up alone every day for the next three months until I was kicked out of the apartment to live on the streets. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been a depressed fuck who can’t even leave the house without being drugged up!” N’s voice lowered again. “It doesn’t change anything. Whether we fucked or made love, whether you honestly loved me or you just wanted to see a kid who was already confused about his sexuality fall in love with a man; it doesn’t change anything because my life is fucked at this point and I could honestly care less about what happened in the past.”

There was no more anger in Taekwoon’s eyes; only guilt and regret and pain and longing for N to stop furrowing his eyebrows and smile again like he used to. But Taekwoon wasn’t a fool; he knew that things would never be the same again and that telling N that he did love him and that he did want to be there for him and that he was sorry wouldn’t change anything or make anything better.

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did. I’m sorry that you blame me and I’m sorry that I turned you into this. I’m sorry for being the man you fell in love with.” Taekwoon put as much strength in his voice as he could. “I wanted you to give you happiness again. Even if it meant destroying my own.”

“I was happy with you.” N muttered, the ash piling on the end of his cigarette. “I have to go. I’m late for…” He racked his brain but couldn’t remember what it was he was leaving the house for. He shrugged. “I just have to go.”

“I have nowhere to stay.” Taekwoon baited.

N kept walking. Sure, he was a drug addict who probably had no future, but he still had his pride. What kind of person would he be if he welcomed Taekwoon with opened arms right after he pretty much blamed him for every shit thing that happened in his life? Not to mention N didn’t want Taekwoon to see just how bad his living conditions actually were. He had to keep up some pretense that his life was manageable. So N kept walking, further and further away ignoring the all too familiar whimper of the only man he has ever loved.

As soon as he reached home, he went straight for the meth under his bed. He took a few hits of the drug before tucking it away in the corner of his closet in a box under his floor board where a majority of his stash was kept. His drug use ranged from the more lightweight things like Marijuana and cigarettes to the heavy and life-destroying drugs like methamphetamine, cocaine, and heroin. Although he seldom used the heavy drugs, on days like today, he couldn’t find any other escape.

His fingers lingered on the box next to his stash of drugs and he pulled his hand away slowly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He took a deep breath and sat against his closet as the pain and the memories were replaced by a never-ending dizzy bitter aftertaste of what he imagined was happiness.

N sat like that for hours, even after the buzz faded away and he was sober again. He didn’t move, he didn’t reach for his stash of drugs, he simply sat there on the stained wood floor and watched the moths fly toward the lights, their wings bumping against their companion.

It was dark now, only the dim and flickering glow of the hanging light bulb giving him vision. N folded his malnourished body into a ball and continued to watch the moths, his head resting on the floor as his lanky arms wrapped around his knees. A tear slipped quickly out of his eye and he bit his lip.

More tears flowed.

Memories began to flood him again but he didn’t try to force them out or forget. For the first time in 3 years, he welcomed them.

 

“What is this?” Hakyeon’s mother hissed, throwing down the polaroids. N’s eyes traveled to the photos and he paled.

“What the hell is this?” She barked, pointing to the picture of him and Taekwoon on their first date. “I thought I told you to stop seeing him!”

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes. “He’s important to me.”

“Important?” She sneered spitefully. “No. Your school is important. Your future is important. Your family is important! Not some washed up poor boy!”

“Do not speak of him that way, mother!” Hakyeon snapped, picking up the polaroids and placing them in his desk, “He is someone who I will not give up. If you can’t accept the fact that I love him—“

“What?” She scoffed. “Love? Oh right, you think you’re gay. But let me tell you something, you disgraceful child…”

N bit back the profanities and glared at his mother and father.

“I will not have a faggot for a son.” She continued, snatching the pictures off the desk and tossing them into the trash. Hakyeon reached for them but his father stepped up and slapped him. “You’re a disgrace.”

Tears slipped down Hakyeon’s face. “I will love who I want to love. I will be who I want to be.”

“No.” His father finally spoke, his voice deep and harsh and not at all fatherly. “You will be who we raised you to be and you will not love a boy you met on the street!”

“What is it?” N glared up with teary eyes, his cheek throbbing. “Is it because it’s Taekwoon? Is it because I didn’t choose some rich bastard to marry? Or are you just another one of those shitty homophobic bast—“

His sentence was cut short as his father landed another sickening blow on his cheek, sending him sprawling to the ground. “Get the hell out of my house.”

N grabbed his jacket and stormed out without a word.

“Don’t come back until you stop being stupid.” His mom said as he walked out.

N scoffed. “Don’t ever expect me to be back. Get a dog if you want someone to follow your every order.”

\--

“Hakyeon?” Taekwoon murmured pressing his face into the youngers neck.

“Yes?” N answered with a smile, his strong arms wrapping around Taekwoon’s waist and pulling him closer.

“You won't regret it, will you?” Taekwoon asked softly.

“Regret what?”

“Leaving your family. I mean, you had your whole future planned out for you, you would have had it easy. But you turned it all away because of me. I’m not anything special, I’m just a boy from the poorest part of the city and that’s—“

“Hey,” Hakyeon said harshly. Although Taekwoon told him repeatedly to drop the formalities, N felt more comfortable using it and it often slipped out when he was angry or sad. “I never regret decisions.”

\--

N opened his eyes and smiled at Taekwoon who was snoring softly facing him, they had fallen asleep in each others arms after playing board games all night. He brushed back the youngers hair and pushed himself up to a sitting position, his head resting against the headboard. He watched Taekwoon sleep until the smaller man shifted and groaned, his eyes opening. He looked up at N and grinned before letting out a small breath and snuggling closer to N’s waist. “Thank you.” He mumbled, his lips brushing against the younger’s clothed stomach.

N smiled gently and played with his hair. “For what?”

“For staying by my side even though your parents disapproved.” Taekwoon mumbled before ducking under the covers. He wasn’t fast enough and N managed to catch a glance at his red face.

“Taekwoon?” N called softly but the lump furrowed deeper into the covers. “Taekwoon, I love you.”

The figure under the blankets stilled and a wide-eyed and messy-haired head popped out. He sat up and crawled towards N, pushing his face in close. “Say it again.”

Hakyeon laughed. “You heard me.”

“No.” Taekwoon shook his head frantically. “Say it again.”

Hakyeon raised an eyebrow but complied. “I love you—“

Taekwoon pressed his lips against N’s pushing him flat against the headboard. He pulled back just enough to whisper a soft confession. “I love you too.”

\--

Hakyeon groaned and woke up and shifted, moving his arm to pull Taekwoon closer to him. His hands groped the sheets but he couldn’t find the small man. Hakyeon sighed and opened his eyes and ran a hand through his messy hair while looking around. “Taekwoon?”

His stomach fell at the empty room and a pang of pain went through his heart. It was silly, but Hakyeon was looking forward to waking up to see Taekwoon’s bed hair and flushed face. He was looking forward to seeing Taekwoon’s exposed flesh and the love marks on his neck. Hakyeon had always dreamed of it, waking up next to his lover after the best night of his life to cuddle skin on skin with him. But Taekwoon wasn’t there.

Hakyeon got up and slipped on his boxers and his shirt. He looked through the apartment, his heart rate getting faster with each empty room. N dashed back into their bedroom and opened the closet to find Taekwoon’s stuff missing.

“No.” N shook his head. “No no no!”

“Taekwoon!” He called loudly, rushing into their living room. He approached the table slowly and his heart fell at the note on the table.

 

I don’t think I feel the same way. I’m sorry. You won't see me anymore, you’ll be happier. –Jung Taekwoon

 

Lies. It was all lies and N knew it. He knew that his parents were bullying and bugging Taekwoon to leave N’s life, he knew it and he didn’t do a thing because he didn’t think Taekwoon would be so stupid as to actually listen to them.

If Taekwoon didn’t feel the same way, he would have said it directly.

N gripped the note in his hand and screamed.

\--

“Hello?” N groggily answered his phone, still hung over from the previous night. It had been exactly 3 months since Taekwoon left, August 10th, 2009. Three months since N had paid the bills and 3 months since he stopped giving a shit about anything.

“Hakyeon?” Wonshik spoke frantically through the phone. “Hakyeon, it’s T-Taekwoon he’s—“

 

N’s alarm clock pulled him out of his memories. He blinked away the tears that were running down his face and stood up. His hand reached for his closet but he paused and sighed, grabbing his jacket and dashing outside. He went to the nearest payphone and dialed the only number that he had memorized.

“Hello?” A sleepy voice answered.

“Hakyeon-ah.” N breathed in relief.

“Hakyeon? Yah, I’m not selling drugs any—“

“I need a favor.” N said hesitantly. Hongbin let him continue and agreed to his request, surprised that he would even ask something like that. They hung up and N ran off again, the breath wheezing out of his abused lungs.

He slowed when he reached the park and sighed. Just as he expected, Taekwoon was still sitting in the same spot as the previous night, his red eyes accented by the dark circles.

“Yah.” N called out. “You brat.”

Taekwoon looked up in shock and a smile broke out across his face as he got up to run towards the older. N shot Taekwoon a glare that stopped him from running to hug him. “Come with me.”

Taekwoon nodded and followed N as he twisted through the streets, away from his flat and his neighborhood altogether. After 30 minutes of uncomfortable silence and Taekwoon running to catch up to N’s long stride they reached a hotel.

N led him up to the third floor. “Hakyeon~” Someone sang, jumping into N’s skinny arms. “I missed you.”

Hakyeon hesitated before wrapping his arms around the youngers waist. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was actually quite fond of him. “I missed you too, Hongbin. You, uh, remember that guy I told you about?”

“Your ex? The one that left you?” Hongbin scoffed, still latched onto his arm. N stopped him before he could say anything else and pointed to Taekwoon who was trying his best to hide behind his skinny frame. 

Hongbin let go of N and ducked down to Taekwoon’s height. “Huh. Who knew N had such… exquisite taste.”

N grabbed Hongbins collar and pulled him back from the almond-eyed boy. “Hongbin.”

“Right. You want to shelter the boy who single-handedly ruined your life and caused you to go into a mental home. Of course, right this way.” Hongbin said sarcastically, making an exaggerated sweeping motion as he led them to a room.

“I live next door. Come over if you want something. Or someone.” Hongbin winked. N laughed lightly and pushed the younger boy away. “Go. I’ll talk to you later.”

Hongbin stopped joking and looked at N seriously. “About what I said on the phone about… you know. I was serious. I won’t sell you anymore. If Wonshik and Jaehwan and them found out, they’d kill me.”

N pushed Taekwoon into the room and leaned into Hongbin’s ear. “I found a new dealer. Don’t worry, your head is safe.”

“That’s not the point!” Hongbin sighed. “The point is they’re worried about you. This is the first time you’ve contacted me in what, a few months? Every time one of the guys tries to contact you, you shut them out and refuse to talk to anyone. Have you seen yourself? Answer me honestly, are you on right now?”

“Stop worrying.” N shrugged him off. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah. That’s exactly what Minhyuk said before he overdosed.” Hongbin said before biting his lip in guilt. “I’m sorry, N, I’m just...”

“Yeah,” N said softly. “Yeah I know, you’re worried.”

Minhyuk was the closest N got to loving someone completely after Taekwoon left, although it was a one-sided love. Minhyuk was taken and N was introduced to Hongbin who helped relieve the pain. They were the best of friends and after Minhyuk overdosed and left him alone, N’s drug use spiraled out of control to the point where he pretty much pushed everyone out of his life.

“How… how are you and Sanghyuk?” N asked.

“Fine,” Hongbin said, more guilt swimming into his eyes. “Hakyeon, I never really got to say it, but I am sorry, I never meant to--”

“No, I understand.” N nodded. “You love him.”

“I loved you too.” Hongbin insisted. “I still love you, just…”

N laughed. “In a different way? Don’t sweat it, Hongbin. Minhyuk said the same thing. I’ve been dumped so many times it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Hongbin grumbled. N patted his back. “Really, Hongbin, I’m fine.”

He opened the door to his room and found Taekwoon sitting by the door with tears in his eyes. N sighed. “You were listening. Of course you’d be listening.”

“I’m sorry.” Taekwoon whimpered.

“I’m tired of apologies.” N murmured, throwing the keys on the bedside table. “Everyone apologizes but in the end they leave.” He locked himself in the bathroom and fumbled with the small packet in his hand, glad that he had brought them along just in case. He downed the pills with tap water and walked back out.

“I didn’t know you went through so much.”

N gave a lazy shrug and threw himself back on the bed. “I loved you, you know that?” When Taekwoon stayed silent, N continued to speak, the haze beginning to set in. “I gave up my life for you. You were everything to me and I think it’s safe to say that when you left, I broke. I tried to find someone else to love, I tried to find a girl, but… I met Minhyuk hyung. You would’ve liked him, he was gentle and loving and brotherly. He reminded me of you. Guess what, kiddo? I fell for him too, of course, not as hard, but I still loved him. But Minhyuk hyung was taken and I accepted that and we became best friends. Minhyuk fixed me as best as he could but he was broken too. He took my burden, kiddo, he took on my broken pieces and it weighed him down and he shattered. Minhyuk hyung broke and I couldn’t fix him.”

Taekwoon sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the wall, waiting for him to continue.

“Then… then I met Hongbinnie. I thought I thought that since he was younger than me he wouldn’t be able to hurt me. We weren’t in love, but Hongbin made things better. He covered up the cracks long enough that sometimes I would forget them. He was able to make me forget about you and Minhyuk. But kiddo, Hongbin and I weren’t in love. He loved Sanghyuk.” N hit his chest with his hand, staring at the ceiling. He continued to hit himself as if he could knock away the pain, as if he could knock the intoxication and the mistakes away.

Taekwoon grabbed N’s hand. “Stop it.” He whispered.

N turned his head to stare at the younger man. He smiled even though his eyes were brimming with moisture. As soon as the first tear fell, N couldn’t stop it anymore. “It hurts, kiddo, it really really hurts.”

Taekwoon was crying now. “I’ll make it better. I’m here, now.”

“Taekwoonie” N cried, making his skinny frame tremor dangerously. Looking at him, Taekwoon realized just how skinny and fragile and young the boy was. “ I’m scared. You’re… you’re going to leave just like everyone else. I was able to survive when you left the first time, but do you see me? If you leave me again… I can’t… I won’t…” N stuttered, trying to reach into his pockets for his cigarettes. It was always like that; fill himself with smoke before his lungs could fill with panic.

Taekwoon took the cigarettes from N and pulled him in for a hug. “I love you.”

N bit his lip and cried out, pulling violently away from Taekwoon. He screamed so loud that Hongbin barged into the room in worry.

N slumped onto the ground, his skinny fingers clamping around the cigarette and breaking it in half. Whimpers continued to escape his mouth and he would snap at anyone who would come near him. Hongbin’s eyes were watering as he stared at the poor boy on the ground. Taekwoon was past caring and he was outright bawling as N rocked himself on the ground, screams of pain leaving his mouth every so often.

Three boys rushed in moments later, presumably called by Hongbin. Jaehwan walked slowly over to N, his tall and lean stature making N seem even smaller, and tried to coax him out of his ball. N shook his head frantically. “His pupils are dilated. He’s on something.” Jaehwan sighed.

“He was fine earlier…” Hongbin whispered. “He was sober earlier.”

Wonshik stepped forward and forcefully lifted N up, ignoring the flailing limbs and the snot and the cries, and he hugged him. N crumpled forward, noticeably taller than Wonshik, and clung onto him. “kiddo…”

Wonshik seemed alarmed. N never spoke to him, or any of the other boys in that case. Before he could ask, Taekwoon stepped forward. Wonshik’s eyes widened as he finally noticed him. All the boys in the room knew who he was, even the ones who didn't know him before all of this. N had gone on endless intoxicated tangents about the boy who broke his heart, but none of them knew what he looked like. All N had said was that he looked like a scared porcelain doll.

Wonshik gently handed the bawling mess to the doll.

"It hurts.” N whimpered. Hongbin was clinging onto Sanghyuk, his face buried into his neck as he cried. All the boys fidgeted in worry. They’ve never seen N show weakness or emotion before, let alone cry, and it scared them. They all knew of his drug addiction and they all tried to get him help but N always refused.

“Taekwoon, don’t break me.” N cried, gripping onto Taekwoon’s shoulders with his thin fingers. “You can’t break me, kiddo, you can’t! Mom and dad left. Minhyuk… Minhyuk really left. Hongbin left, well, he’s here, but not with me.”

Hongbin whimpered at the mention of his name.

“They all left.” N whispered, stepping back again. “These bastards,” He made a sweeping motion at the four guys standing there dumbstruck. “had the decency to stay with me even though I fucked up their lives. Because they aren’t broken like me and Minhyuk were. Taekwoonie, they’re strong. They can handle it when I scream at them and curse them because they’re plastic and bounce right back and guess what, kiddo? They said they loved me! Can you believe that?” N laughed loudly and sat back on the bed.

“Hakyeon.” Taekwoon whispered hoarsely.

“But not you kiddo, you can’t bounce back if I hurt you. We’re porcelain dolls, you me and Minhyuk. Minhyuk shattered after I dropped him for the last time and he was irreparable. Woonie, I’m broken too but I can put myself back together after each blow because I’m used to it. But not you, kiddo, you don’t have one crack. You’re brand new and shiny, and so, so beautiful. You’ve never been dropped, but Woonie, the prettiest dolls are always the most fragile. Just one mistake and bang!” N made an exploding motion with his hands. “You’re shattered. Just like Minhyuk.”

The boys looked taken aback by his speech and N laughed. “Porcelain dolls and toys have never been on the same level. Sure, we’re more expensive, collectables, but barbies are always much much happier because they can be played with without caution. I’ve stayed in a box my whole life and when I was finally exposed to reality, I fell and no one was there to catch me. But I brought down the whole collection of porcelain dolls with me because I’m selfish and I don’t like breaking alone.”

Taekwoon was crying, his eyes wide and scared. Wonshik sighed and rubbed his back. “N… he gets like this after, well, you know. Although he’s never this crazy… I’m sure he’ll come around. Just stay with him.”

N waved at them with a weak smile and laid back down on the bed as they filed out. “Taekwoon.”

“Yes, Hakyeon?”

“Taekwoon, I think I still, possibly, love you.” N murmured, his face in the pillow.

Taekwoon sat next to N and rubbed his back, scared that if he repeated the confession again, N would go berserk again. “I know.”

“And me, kiddo? Can you still love a broken doll?”

“I don’t care if you’re broken or new, because I always will love you.” Taekwoon finally whispered, leaning down to hug the broken boy. “I’ve never stopped.”

“But I’m crazy.” N said honestly. “I’m crazy and broken and I scream and yell and I don’t do what a doll is supposed to do.”

“You’re not crazy.” Taekwoon insisted. “Not crazy, just confused.”

“What a nice way to put it.” The boy laughed, sitting up. “Can I… can I break you?”

“Yes.” Taekwoon said without hesitation. “I’m yours.”

N pressed his lips against the youngers, gently, hesitantly. “If I can’t put you back together?”

Taekwoon advanced this time, pulling N closer. “I’m just like you, Hakyeon. I don’t like breaking alone.”

And they kissed. Again and again, their mouths pressed against one another in a frenzy of passion and lust and tongues and lips and quite possibly, love. The years apart forgotten, the anger and hatred and betrayal all down the drain as their bodies touched and they couldn’t deny the obvious need for the other as they continued to explore. For the first time, N’s head wasn’t intoxicated with drugs, but with something else; Taekwoon. With his presence and his body and his smell and taste and touch and everything about Taekwoon had pushed out the bitter intoxication in N’s head and replaced it with something much, much sweeter. 

Their clothes had removed themselves and they were pressed close together, N’s previous meltdown long forgotten. It was skin against skin, chest against chest and hip against hip and every move N made seemed to make his skinny body get stronger and healthier and cleaner. Taekwoon’s fingers trailed burning paths against N’s skin that was for the first time in years, flushing with color. It was a flurry of moans and wordless gasps. Whispered ‘Hakyeon’s and breathless ‘Taekwoon’s and chanted ‘yes’s were thrown around as the two continued in their passionate dance of lust.

Taekwoon laid against N’s chest, his fingers still drawing restless circles. “Hakyeon… Hakyeon…” He whispered, his voice hoarse from the moans.

“Yes, Taekwoon?” N smiled, his arm supporting the youngers head.

“I love you.” Taekwoon whispered. “And I’m sorry.”

“Hakyeon?” He called again.

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?” He asked softly.

“I love you.” N decided. “Yes, I love you.”

“And Hakyeon?” Taekwoon asked one last time, yawning.

“What is it, Taekwoon?”

“I’m already broken.” Taekwoon whispered before falling asleep. N laughed lightly and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, moving Taekwoon’s head into a more comfortable position. He settled down in the bed and suddenly realized that he hadn’t touched a drug in more than 7 hours and that he didn’t even feel the effects. He closed his eyes with that comforting though. “I love you, Jung Taekwoon.”

N awoke and turned in bed before his eyes shot open. His bed was empty. Horrible and painfully empty. “Taekwoon?” He called.

No answer.

N cursed and jumped out of bed, the scene all too familiar and still just as heart wrenching. “Taekwoon?!”

He ran out of the hotel room and into Hongbin’s room, but he wasn’t there either, Hongbin wasn’t even there.

N dropped to the ground. Taekwoon couldn’t have left because he promised he would stay and that he wouldn’t break him. He promised to never break him and N believed him. N sat like that, simply waiting for his Woonie to return and say he was sorry and that he was just out to buy breakfast, but Taekwoon never returned.

N screamed. And screamed and screamed until his lungs were about to burst. He thought that waking up alone three years ago was the most painful thing he had ever experienced, but this, this was just cruel and inhumane and his heart had shattered into a billion irreparable pieces. “Taekwoon…”

N’s head pounded and he let out an inaudible gasp.

His eyes shot open and he almost wanted to cry. Instead, he laughed. He laughed like his life depended on it, not caring that the tears were still falling.

He laughed because he was still in his ratty flat, his finger still bleeding, the cracked porcelain pipe still at his feet, and the drugs still on his table.

His bony hands were still wrapped around his calendar and his eyes still focused on the red circle that marked the third year anniversary of Taekwoon’s death. Because it was all just a sick dream and Taekwoon was still dead and he was still miserable.

Because Taekwoon had broken before he could even be dropped. Because Taekwoon had taken his place in the fall but he wasn’t selfish enough to take him along.

N laughed even louder when his curtain caught fire because of the cigarette.

He sat back as his laughter drowned out into sobs and he waited for the flames to engulf him because what happens, happens and N was simply a doll that was kept on the shelf too long. He let himself drop and he let himself break. Just like Minhyuk and just like Taekwoon.

N dropped and cracked and shattered.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry lmao this is so cringe 
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> Shrimpminsume © 2015
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> Do not copy or translate without permission.


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